Jake Squid (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} jakesquid) wrote,@ 2004-06-21 06:44:00 |
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Why no-fault divorce is a good thing and some personal history
This was originally posted here as a comment to a post about no-fault divorce. Several people told me that it was one of the best things I've written, so I figured I'd save it for myself here.
I don't know how many of you have gone through a divorce, but let me lay out some of my experiences and why no-fault divorce is, in my mind, a good thing.
I met my first wife when I was 20. I had never really dated (a girlfriend for 6 weeks once in high-school) and was terribly inexperienced with relationships. Our serious relationship began when she moved in with me one day out of the blue. Three months later she asked me to marry her and I said yes, being in the smitten, dizzying, floating stage of infatuation. As our first year progressed, I started to notice that she was a very unhappy person with some serious problems. But I had made a commitment and was sure that we would be able to make it work. As the date of our wedding drew closer things got worse. But I was determined to stick it out, in no small part because of the embarrassment calling off our wedding would cause and the shame of not being able to follow up on the commitment that I had made when I accepted her proposal.
We got married in June of 1989. In October of that year one of my best friends died of cancer. At his funeral I met a group of people from high school that I hadn't seen in years. One of them had been one of my 2 best friends in school. We started spending more time with him. Then my wife had an affair with him. When I found out she was very apologetic and we managed to move on.
Four years later we had moved way out to the boondocks and things, if not great, were pretty steady. Then she had an affair with a guy she met at an art class at a community college. She left me and moved in with him. I moved in with friends. I tried for months to get back together with her and eventually we did. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever did that again that it would be over between us.
Four years later, after a move to the northwest, we went back east for my sister's wedding. I could only stay for a week, but my wife stayed an extra week so that she could go visit her family. When she arrived back home I could tell that something was going on. Sure enough she had started another affair. I demanded a divorce.
We agreed to the division of property very quickly and found a lawyer for her. Thank everything that we had not had children. I did not have a lawyer. We filed for divorce. A year later the divorce was finalized. Why did it take a year? It was a combination of things. My ex taking off for 3 months didn't help. The judge taking extra time to make sure that the division of property was fair to her was another reason. But mostly because that is how long it took to work its way through the process.
I was emotionally torn up during most of that time. I was a failure, unable to live up to my commitments. I can only imagine how much worse it could have been had I been forced to sue for divorce.
Why did my marriage fail? In large part because of my inexperience w/ dating and relationships. I didn't have any basis on which to be able to realize that she was not a good person for me to be with. I was only 20 when I met her, 21 when I got married and had never really dated before. My first wife was a troubled woman who had left home at 15, never completed high school, who had emotional problems (probably resulting from being sexually abused as a child). Whose fault was the failure of our marriage? Should we have been forced to remain legally and financially bound for the rest of our lives? Who would that have benefited? How would society have profited from continuing this marriage?
When I agreed to get married I made a commitment to stay with her for my entire life. I did my best to honor that commitment even when it became clear that it was a huge mistake. I tried for close to 10 years and finally admitted my failure. This is probably a much more typical experience than the (purported) stories of people who marry and divorce because it's easy.
In my view, this really is the reason that no-fault divorce exists. The failure of my marriage was not one that should have required me to sue for divorce, to convince a judge, in court, that she was a bad person. To cost a lot more, both financially and emotionally, to end a disastrous marriage benefits nobody. When I entered into marriage the thought that I could easily divorce was never a factor in my decision. Maybe it is for some people, but I haven't met them yet.
Maybe I haven't put this as clearly as I'd like. Perhaps I'll come back after reviewing this and clarify anything that needs it.
This was originally posted here as a comment to a post about no-fault divorce. Several people told me that it was one of the best things I've written, so I figured I'd save it for myself here.
I don't know how many of you have gone through a divorce, but let me lay out some of my experiences and why no-fault divorce is, in my mind, a good thing.
I met my first wife when I was 20. I had never really dated (a girlfriend for 6 weeks once in high-school) and was terribly inexperienced with relationships. Our serious relationship began when she moved in with me one day out of the blue. Three months later she asked me to marry her and I said yes, being in the smitten, dizzying, floating stage of infatuation. As our first year progressed, I started to notice that she was a very unhappy person with some serious problems. But I had made a commitment and was sure that we would be able to make it work. As the date of our wedding drew closer things got worse. But I was determined to stick it out, in no small part because of the embarrassment calling off our wedding would cause and the shame of not being able to follow up on the commitment that I had made when I accepted her proposal.
We got married in June of 1989. In October of that year one of my best friends died of cancer. At his funeral I met a group of people from high school that I hadn't seen in years. One of them had been one of my 2 best friends in school. We started spending more time with him. Then my wife had an affair with him. When I found out she was very apologetic and we managed to move on.
Four years later we had moved way out to the boondocks and things, if not great, were pretty steady. Then she had an affair with a guy she met at an art class at a community college. She left me and moved in with him. I moved in with friends. I tried for months to get back together with her and eventually we did. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever did that again that it would be over between us.
Four years later, after a move to the northwest, we went back east for my sister's wedding. I could only stay for a week, but my wife stayed an extra week so that she could go visit her family. When she arrived back home I could tell that something was going on. Sure enough she had started another affair. I demanded a divorce.
We agreed to the division of property very quickly and found a lawyer for her. Thank everything that we had not had children. I did not have a lawyer. We filed for divorce. A year later the divorce was finalized. Why did it take a year? It was a combination of things. My ex taking off for 3 months didn't help. The judge taking extra time to make sure that the division of property was fair to her was another reason. But mostly because that is how long it took to work its way through the process.
I was emotionally torn up during most of that time. I was a failure, unable to live up to my commitments. I can only imagine how much worse it could have been had I been forced to sue for divorce.
Why did my marriage fail? In large part because of my inexperience w/ dating and relationships. I didn't have any basis on which to be able to realize that she was not a good person for me to be with. I was only 20 when I met her, 21 when I got married and had never really dated before. My first wife was a troubled woman who had left home at 15, never completed high school, who had emotional problems (probably resulting from being sexually abused as a child). Whose fault was the failure of our marriage? Should we have been forced to remain legally and financially bound for the rest of our lives? Who would that have benefited? How would society have profited from continuing this marriage?
When I agreed to get married I made a commitment to stay with her for my entire life. I did my best to honor that commitment even when it became clear that it was a huge mistake. I tried for close to 10 years and finally admitted my failure. This is probably a much more typical experience than the (purported) stories of people who marry and divorce because it's easy.
In my view, this really is the reason that no-fault divorce exists. The failure of my marriage was not one that should have required me to sue for divorce, to convince a judge, in court, that she was a bad person. To cost a lot more, both financially and emotionally, to end a disastrous marriage benefits nobody. When I entered into marriage the thought that I could easily divorce was never a factor in my decision. Maybe it is for some people, but I haven't met them yet.
Maybe I haven't put this as clearly as I'd like. Perhaps I'll come back after reviewing this and clarify anything that needs it.
